The nine girls you will meet on Tinder
She meditates, does crossword puzzles in ink, and has already won prizes on several high-profile quiz shows. She only watches movies that are based on books she has read, speaks more languages than google translate and can name more ancient philosophers than you can name sporting legends.
PRO: she is very smart
CON: she is way smarter than you. You may think you “got game” but you have nothing. Not only are her chess moves nine steps ahead of you, but she already knows what your backup plan is, and what three games you will play next when she’s beaten you at this one.
ADVICE: approach with caution. Never ever think that you can possibly sweet talk, bullshit, coax, seduce, coerce or even open your mouth without her knowing your next eight moves. Be honest or be toast.
Every picture of her shows her holding a glass of something, and you didn’t even notice, as her face seemed so smiley, warm and friendly. This girl will meet you for drinks, order expensive cocktails and champagne which you cannot pronounce. She will then drink you under the table due to her high tolerance for alcohol and your unpreparedness for alcoholism. You will pay two weeks income for the bar tab without realising it, as you can barely walk.
PRO: she is a lot of fun, will make jokes and do silly things to make you laugh.
CON: some of the jokes may be at the expense of you, or your friends. After ten drinks the jokes may become racist, sexist, or worse. Sure, her first story started with “how I went skinny-dipping with my girlfriends”, but the last story may be “how the world is being ruined by minorities, and what we can do to overthrow them”. Silly pranks can become felonies so quickly…
ADVICE: order mocktails for yourself and stay alert. Place a $500 limit on your bar tab, as you may need bail money after midnight. If she’s still vertical after ordering four pre-dinner drinks, switch your status from “alert” to “hyper-alert” and be prepared to fake an aneurysm to exit early. If you are desperate enough to go home with a possibly violent or unpredictable neo-Nazi alcoholic domestic terrorist, then be sure to go to her place or a motel, give a fake name, and leave whilst she sleeps it off; but only after secretly deleting your number from her phone.
Her profile pics may have been taken in very good lighting, or even photoshopped. She looked like a woman online, but in the real world she may have stubble, facial hair or even a prominent adams apple. She burps, farts, and generally behaves like your drunken uncle at a barbeque.
PRO: a lot of fun to be around, and you can be yourself, just like you are with your single male friends.
CON: you will have as much romance or sexual chemistry with her as you do with your single male friends.
ADVICE: others will say she’s a good girl to have around as she’s “just like one of the boys”, however, that fact makes her redundant in a group of men. Only continue the friendship if a) you have zero male friends, or b) you think that a blokey bloke with boobs is funny.
Looks sweet and innocent in attire but has a predatory look in the eyes, more like a shark in chiffon than CatWoman in her street clothes. Minutes into the first date she will give you a compliment on your physical appearance, and an hour later, will look you in the eyes and say “OK, I’d like to have sex now.”
PRO: if you’re desperate for female companionship, this one is a sure thing.
CON: she is a man-eater, and like any predatory animal, the next day she will have as much affection for you as for her previously digested meal.
ADVICE: if you can resist, resist. She may be devouring you with her eyes over her coffee right now, but consider the fate of her last ten conquests. That delicious burger you ate last week? It was flushed away without a second thought the next day. Yeah, that’s right. You’re her burger.
Already accomplished in one or two fields, and striving hard in a third, fourth or several more. Considering she is already a surgeon, professor, architect, award-winning kite-surfer and qualified tax accountant, one would wonder why she is studying another doctorate in political sciences, doing an internship for a construction company and working nights as a bass-player in a garage band. The answer could be as simple as “I get bored easily”, up to an Elektra complex of pleasing her dad, or maybe even multiple personalities. Let’s hope you find a personality you get along with.
PRO: she has endlessly entertaining conversation on a variety of topics
CON: she will never have time for you beyond the first date, unless you’re available on an odd-numbered Tuesday after Ramadan in Dubai airport whilst she’s waiting for her connecting flight in between 3:56 and 4:17am.
ADVICE: as you would with the Mona Lisa, admire her complexity from a distance, but do not try to touch her or take her home, under penalty of death. If her post-doctral thesis and last six fascinating and challenging sporting and career interests couldn’t hold her attention for long, what hope do you have?
She has been burned before in several relationships, or possibly dated 99 jerks before you came along. Expect to be questioned in a friendly manner that gradually slides into lawyer-like cross-examination and then into a Nazi-level interrogation. She may question your religion, your stated prowess in any field, even your psychological motives for choosing your career, your car or your shoes. If you weren’t aware of your own little white lies, your denial or self-deception before your date, expect to come face to face with every belief you have ever had, and why it could possibly be false, when seen from her perspective.
PRO: it can be fun to challenge your beliefs occasionally (but not often)
CON: nobody likes being cross-examined, doubted, suspected or trapped. Many an innocent man has been sentenced due to a lawyer tripping them up on one small issue, and then declaring them unreliable in all other matters.
ADVICE: don’t even try to make an excuse for your past or present behaviours or beliefs. You are not under oath, and you are not under arrest. If you find your first date quizzing you beyond comfortable levels, calmly get up and walk away. If you’re a smartass, suggest that you requested a “date” and not an arraignment as you walk away forever.
May be on time for your first date, but after that, will be unavailable for all future events. Plans made days or weeks in advance will be cancelled at the last minute, as “something came up”. She will request multiple rain checks, make new plans and then flake on them also. Always apologising, she will promise you the night of your life and you will spend three hours preparing, only to be turned away at the door or left standing alone in a restaurant waiting for her to arrive. Apologetic texts and phonecalls seem to come not from the expected emergency room of a hospital, but on speaker phone whilst she is tidying her sock drawer or doing her taxes, or whatever last minute “emergency” has taken priority over your pre-arranged date.
PRO: you can learn a lot of great excuses from this girl, which may be good for you to use for getting out of work or funerals
CON: she will promise you everything, deliver nothing and waste a lot of your time, effort and energy.
ADVICE: this girl clearly has less respect for you than she does for the lint she’s cleaning out of her car ashtray whilst you’re supposed to be on a date she cancelled. Feel free to show her that you respect yourself by not making any plans to waste any more time on her.
She will accept anything you give her as if she already deserved it, and seem to silently question why you took so long to deliver it. If you’re a giver who loves to give, you’re probably used to being reciprocated by seeing the happiness in the face of the person to whom you are giving. It’s not gonna happen. She will never say thankyou and mean it, no matter how many car doors or restaurant doors you open. No matter how many drinks or meals you pay for, she will never feel obligated to return the favour by offering you a kiss, a sincere thankyou or even a smiling look of gratitude. She will treat you like a delivery boy who is bringing something which she already paid for, and expect you to keep on delivering like she’s paying your wages, even though she’s not.
PRO: great; if you love humiliation or being treated like a bad servant
CON: Heartbreaking for you: this girl will not learn her lesson no matter what you do.
ADVICE: Walk away. One day she will be a crazy cat lady and still not question if perhaps it may have been even 1% her own fault.
Gorgeous profile pictures, witty opening line (of course she contacts you first) and great banter that is frequently flirty but never skanky. A dream come true, she is cute, has a great job that gives her plenty of money and plenty of time off. Except for one thing: she’s on her way back home from her overseas holiday and her flight got cancelled and instead of meeting up with you for your first date, she is stuck in the airport lounge in Batavia. As she hadn’t budgeted for an overnight stay and an additional flight, she asks you for a small loan which she promises she will repay when she meets up with you in two days after her payday. If you are naïve and agree, you will be told to transfer money via Western Union (unrecoverable) into an overseas account in the name of her driver, so that he can go and pick up the money whilst she waits for her next flight. Her “driver” just happens to have a dodgy-sounding name and may be based in some tiny Estonian vilage but you’re assured that he is a great guy and can be trusted with your money. If you become suspicious and suggest discussing the matter with her over the phone, she will say that she didn’t get an international calling card, cannot download Wattsapp, Viber or doesn’t have Skype credit. Could you transfer even half the money now, so she can get some phone credit to call you? Yep, that money is unrecoverable also.
PRO: the more scams you see, the smarter you will get
CON: you can lose a lot of money this way, as well as your faith in humanity
ADVICE: request a copy of her drivers licence, so that you can “spell her name correctly” on the money transfer. Of course, she may not have her own license with her, as she’s been “using a driver” overseas. Request a copy of her passport for the same reason, (if she’s travelling, she has it on her) and triple-check the details with someone who is smarter than you, or someone who has previously been scammed. You can also ask her to send you a selfie of herself at the airport lounge, as most scammers only have glamour shots they have taken from Google or Facebook, and have no pics of the target with bleary eyes and messy hair. If she is genuinely from your home country, she would probably have a bank account in your country, which she is paid into, and would have a debit card on her whilst overseas. Offer to transfer the money into her local account (recoverable) and wait for the next unreasonable excuse. It can be quite entertaining to scam a scammer, if you have the time and patience.
Worthy of her own special category, this girl could be voted “most likely to move in with you on the second date”. She will take an almost unnatural interest in your every topic of conversation, and ask for more information in such a friendly way, that within minutes you will be telling her very specific details of stories you normally just brush over. Most people want to know your star sign: she’ll want to know the date, time and location of your birth. As she shows so much interest, soon you’ll be showing her pictures of your friends and family on your phone. Whilst appearing to swipe through your pictures, she will send herself an email, a tweet, a text message and a Facebook request from your phone, ensuring that she has at least 3-5 additional methods of contacting you. The obligatory “thanks for a fun night” message the next day will be closely followed by “my earring may have fallen into your pocket/car/bed” and she will be there in five minutes to look for it… having packed a change of clothes and a few personal items just in case it was OK to stay over. After your initial chat, how does she know your home address, the name of your landlord, your bank manager, your mother’s maiden name and the name of your first pet? Never mind, she seems so friendly and those details could never come back to bite you… or could they?
PRO: if she’s not a total bunny boiler, you could have a long future together
CON: with all the personal information you’ve revealed, she’s well-positioned to be able to empty your bank accounts, steal your identity, stalk your family, hack your computer, clone your phone, blackmail you and take out a mortgage in your name.
ADVICE: you may as well marry this one. She already owns you financially and emotionally anyway, and it’s best to keep your enemies close, right?
DISCLAIMER: Tinder or other online dating apps can be great for those who are too busy to speed-date. It can also be a minefield of fake profiles, liars, scammers, and people who are batshit crazy. Take any and all precautions, as insanity and deceit can also be sexually transmitted diseases. Above all, have patience and a sense of humour. We recommend a ten-minute crash course in #BinarySexology and/or watching the classic Bruce Willis comedy, “Blind Date”. http://binarysexology.com/